Hush Lil Babies

You know that image: a glowing mother, nursing her baby with soft, adoring eyes, radiating pure love and the essence of nurturing instinct. It’s the picture we see everywhere in society, the one that feels so natural and beautiful. But what if I told you that behind the smile, there are bucket loads of tears, extreme exhaustion, and the heart-wrenching feeling of losing yourself in the process?

When I was pregnant, I heard all the sweet baby talk: “Can you just not wait to cuddle her?” and “The hardest part of pregnancy is just waiting to meet her.” I fully bought into the idea that the moment I gave birth would be magical, overflowing with joy and happy tears as they placed her in my arms. But the reality of my postpartum experience was far from what I had imagined.

My little one struggled with her first breaths, and the ICU team whisked her across the room away from me. Surrounded by nurses and family, I couldn’t see her. Though they reassured me she was fine, I couldn’t shake the fear that something was terribly wrong. I was exhausted, I threw up, and when they finally brought her back to me, I felt a strange mix of happiness and complete depletion. The adrenaline had worn off and was replaced by a deep sense of responsibility that washed over me. How could I possibly take it all on when I was already running on empty and and she had only been here for five minutes?

The tone of the moms in my life suddenly shifted. Instead of the excitement and newborn cuddles I’d heard so much about during pregnancy, it was suddenly a serious “Are you okay?” and “Please tell me if you need anything.” And then the stories started, stories I hadn’t heard before about the real challenges of motherhood. The colicky and challenging babies, the sleepless and miserable nights, and the struggles no one seemed to talk about. It made me wonder: Why was no one sharing the hard parts before I gave birth? It’s like they all knew that until you’re a mom, you just can’t really understand. It’s a secret club that you can only join after the “giving birth initiation”.

Having a baby was harder than I expected. I put so much pressure on myself to give her the best life I could, working hard to provide while also being present in every moment, nursing for at least a year, taking her to developmental classes, buying all the “right” things for her. It wasn’t about putting on an image or pretending to have it all together. It was about her—my deep desire to be a good mom and to give her the world. But with that came constant anxiety. I was always on the verge of burnout. Between sleepless nights with constant feedings, a baby with acid reflux and colic, and me trying to do it all, it became clear: something had to give.

In those dark moments, I often found myself alone with intrusive thoughts. When my baby was particularly fussy, there were times I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore. I would imagine putting her crib in the garage in the middle of winter. Or dropping her off at my mom’s house and telling her, “She’s your problem now.” I felt like a horrible person for having these thoughts, but the truth is, motherhood can feel impossibly hard. I didn’t feel like I could ask for too much help because I was so terrified of burdening anyone else. I felt like I was already taking up all the emotional space and I needed to figure it out myself. And then the guilt was always there. Guilt when I worked, guilt when I cared for my baby, guilt when I did ask someone to help, guilt when I took a moment for myself.

This constant cycle of guilt, stress, and exhaustion. This is the dark side of motherhood. It’s a side of the story that we don’t talk about enough. Postpartum depression, anxiety, and burnout need to be normalized. The more we share our experiences, the more we can support each other through the tough times.

If you have ever felt this way or are currently struggling, know that you are not alone. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, resentful, or even disconnected from motherhood doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a real mom. Motherhood is complicated and overwhelming, and it’s okay to admit that it can feel dark and dismal at times. If you’re in the trenches of postpartum life or have experienced these struggles, I would love for you to share your story. Let’s build a community where we can be real with each other and give ourselves permission to cry, scream, and not be okay.

Motherhood isn’t about living up to expectations. It’s about showing up, even on the days when all you can do is make it through. If today is a hard day, know that you are loved and you matter, even when no one seems to be looking after you. You’re doing an amazing job. I see you, and I’m here for you. We’re in this together. Hush little babies, it’s mama’s time to be heard. 💕