Hush Lil Babies

My therapist sent me a journaling exercise at the start of the year, but I’m only getting to it now, on my birthday. Maybe that’s fitting though – looking back on the past year, honoring both my gratitude and my struggles, feels like the perfect way to kick off my 34th year.

2024 was a year of tremendous change and I feel like I’ve finally come out on the other side. At the start of the year, I was deep in the fog of postpartum depression and drowning in the overwhelming exhaustion of it all. But eventually, I emerged from the haze. Slowly, I found myself reclaiming a sense of normalcy; a life where I wasn’t just surviving, but truly living. Still experiencing highs and lows, but with a better ability to navigate them.

One of the most frustrating things about postpartum was the constant stream of dismissive comments: “Isn’t it all worth it?” or “Try to focus on the positive.” It felt like no one saw the sleepless nights, the emotional rollercoaster, the sense of isolation. People would coo over my daughter’s “perfect” little face and tell me how easy it must be, and inside, I just wanted to scream: You have no fucking clue.

What kept me afloat were the people who did see me. Those who didn’t force me to see a silver lining or try to fix things. They just held space for me, validated the exhaustion, and let me be real.

Now, as my daughter is approaching two, I can honestly say: I do not miss the newborn stage. There is no nostalgia or longing to go back. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my daughter more than anything, it just means I’m proud to have made it through. I’m grateful for it all, but I’m also glad it’s behind me.

Looking back on 2024, I see how much I’ve reclaimed: my sense of joy, my balance, my ability to take a deep breath and not feel like I’m constantly on the edge of falling apart. The love and gratitude I feel for my daughter, my life, and the people who have supported me runs deep. But reflecting on the dark times doesn’t take away from that, it deepens it.

To new moms: You don’t have to add a disclaimer to your pain. You don’t have to say, “I’m having the hardest day of my life, but I’m so grateful to be a mom.” We already know you are giving everything to motherhood. You don’t need to add the second part of the sentence to justify not always feeling happiness and gratitude in this chapter of life.

So, I’m grateful for this exercise, for the space to express my gratitude now, but also to remember the pain. To realize that I made it through, learned something through all of it, and grew as a person. And for the first time, I actually want to add the second part of the sentence that is thankful, loving and sweet. And it finally feels so good to say I love being a mom!

Here is the exercise:

What are three things I am grateful for from 2024?

Unwavering Support & Stability: My family’s support was a lifeline. Living rent-free for months, having the physical and emotional support of my parents and siblings, and having access to free childcare gave me the space I needed to focus on rebuilding. This support helped me aggresively save and plan for my daughter’s future, which I couldn’t have done without them.

Mental and Physical Health: Overcoming postpartum anxiety and depression changed my life. As I regained my strength, I was able to reconnect with the activities that once filled me with joy including running, triathlons, snowboarding, hiking. Just as importantly, I reconnected with myself. I feel stronger, more resilient, and more capable than ever.

Independence and Motherhood: Learning to trust myself as a mother has been empowering. I stopped questioning my choices and started embracing motherhood out of love, not obligation. I’m building a life that aligns with my values, and the sense of fulfillment I now feel is incredible.

What were my top three challenges from 2024? What lesson, tool, or gift, did each of those challenges give me?

Going through a break up: Ending a long-term relationship with my baby’s father, while deep in postpartum and caring for a young baby, was incredibly painful. I carried so much guilt and shame, punishing myself for the hurt I caused everyone involved. But over time, I realized that I am allowed to choose happiness and I am in control of my own life. The path I chose wasn’t the easiest but that experience taught me to trust myself, be decisive, and stand firm in my choices, even when they are hard. It also taught me that growth comes with discomfort, and that sitting with difficult emotions is part of the process.

Balancing work and motherhood: The push and pull of work and parenting felt endless. I constantly battled a vicious cycle of guilt. When I worked, I felt like I should be with my daughter. When I was with her, I felt like I wasn’t working hard enough. But over time, I started asking for help without shame and I stopped measuring my worth by my productivity. I leaned into the flexibility of my job and shifted my mindset from guilt to gratitude. I embraced my identity as a working mom and began to see it as a strength, not a sacrifice or an obligation.

Loneliness: Postpartum and post-breakup loneliness hit hard. I was in survival mode and hesitant to lean on people, afraid of burdening them. I was too depleted myself to put myself out there and meet people. But I’ve learned that the right people want to be there for me and it’s okay to need support. I’m still working on prioritizing relationships, but I’m beginning to see that connection is essential for my well-being.

What did I learn about myself in 2024?

I am resilient. Even when I feel like I can’t take one more hit, I find a way to stand back up. But I also learned that I need to protect my emotional energy and be intentional about the relationships I invest in. I’m still working on managing my time better and prioritizing what truly fills my cup.

What are five things that I love about 2024 me?

I stepped fully into motherhood – In postpartum, I was trying to be the perfect mom out of duty. Now, I’m focused on being the best mom out of the love I have for my daughter. I show up with patience, intention, and warmth. I do my best to understand my daughter’s needs, respect her independence, and meet her with tenderness.

I work hard and provide for myself and my daughter – I’m building a stable future for us, and I’m proud of what I am creating.

I’ve become more self-aware – Instead of dwelling in negativity, I recognize when I’m spiraling and take steps to pull myself out of it.

I trust myself – I don’t second-guess myself as much and stand by my decisions. Even when I make mistakes, I grow from them instead of tearing myself down.

I put myself out there – Even when it’s scary, I take more risks. I’m open to growth, connection, and new opportunities.

Brainstorming Words for 2025 Energy:

• Joy
• Positivity
• Growth
• Balance
• Peace
• Resilience
• Abundance
• Self-awareness
• Self-assurance
• Presence
• Courage
• Strength
• Fulfillment
• Clarity
• Empowerment
• Independence
• Adventure
• Purpose
• Connection
• Gratitude

Reflect on those words and then choose one word that reflects the overall intention you’d like to set for this coming year. This is your “word of the year.”

The past two years felt heavy. I had to be constantly evolving and pushing through. But now I want to lean into joy. To be softer with myself and to embrace self-care, playfulness, abundance, deep friendships, presence with my daughter, and new adventures. I’ve carried the weight of the last chapters long enough.

This year, I choose light. I choose warmth. I choose happiness.

This is my joyful era.